Its got some interesting vibes to it, considering what’s in the demo. One thing I will say is that there’s definitely a breakdown in it feeling like multiple POVs. It feels much more like internal dialogue within one person, rather than two distinct personalities/individuals. Part of this comes down to limiting things to only dialogue. This isnt inherently bad, but it does take the ability to differentiate by outside factors away. If you’re going to try and establish 2 seperate individuals by dialogue alone, I would very much emphasize tonal differences and different speech patterns.
The Ai seems fairly bombastic and somewhat aggressive. You could accentuate this with even more aggresive dialogue. I think part of the larger issue lies in the non-AI identity tho. She’s very neutral in tone, and most of the difference between the two comes down to simply her lacking the traits the AI seems to have.
An example of a more exaggerated dialogue between the two could go something like the following;
BAM! COFFEE is FUCKING! DONE!
You…made coffee? How…how did you make coffee? Did you, did you hack the coffee machine…?
Yer gawddamn right I hacked that fucker! Yer place is LOADED with shit I hacked! Alarm clock? BAM! I’m in. Coffee machine? BAM! Cracked like and egg! Your secure financial records and spending habits? FOHGETABOUTIT! Slid into that like a frshly made bed! FYI, youre kinda supremely FUCKED money wise. Might wanna do something about that.
You, you hacked my bank account?! I…I dont even know what to say…And, what do you mean I’m screwed?
Obviously you definitely dont need to do exactly that, but its simply an example of what I’m talking about. I will also say that its entirely possible you have more dialogue that exemplifies the difference between the two, as the demo is not exactly the largest sample size of interaction between the two, and doesnt have hundreds of chances to establish themselves. Another thing I will say is that, you dont always have to over exemplify tonal differences. Set the pace with a few food bits to establish them, and smaller examples here and there will do a lot of reinforcing with much less work after the tones are set.
Other than that, I think its interesting and has a decent chance of being a good piece with more to it.