This is a script I have been wanting to write for a very long time and I believe this is the right time to release it for you all to enjoy. This is sadly only a demo due to time constraints but I will be working on the game further in the future.
The game is a visual novel that follows Evan, young chubby guy who won a 28-day vacation at a luxury hotel. The story of the demo follows his first 24 hours of his vacation meeting the friendly handsome staff members you’ll come discover along the way. The game also features a first in WG gaming history and that is fine dining given the correct choice at the demo’s branch decision.
I gave an honest try at a game outside of my usual tastes.
There is a surprisingly large amount of backgrounds, allowing to get an nice idea of how the hotel looks like. the whole thing has a pleasing atmosphere that goes well with the writing. The main menu, as useful as it is, is maybe a bit to clean for the established visuals.
I can’t have a gripe over the lack of facial expressions variety, since this is just a demo of sorts.
But the use of the tools at hand to move the characters and fade them in and out does enough
to make this feel polished mechanically.
This experience was overall, Charming!
I encourage you to practice drawing and writing to reach your own standard in these fields!
I unfortunately do not have much to say here. The game is a linear VN with one choice that does not really do anything interesting mechanically or otherwise with the standard VN formula. It will be interesting to see how it develops over time but not much there at the moment.
Jux Score
| Category | Total |
| —: | :–|
| Basics: | 10000 |
| Art: | 70 |
| Writing: | 145 |
| Concept/Design | 70 |
| Msc: | 5 |
| Total: | 10310 |
Comments:
I liked that you kept each line of the VN short. Too often people put tons of text in a screen at one time, making it hard to read. The format, I think, really benefits from brevity. One thing I would recommend is that if you�re going to use dialogue tags, you need to have them on the line of speech. Readers often search for dialogue tags to know who is speaking, and if it�s on the next page it’s going to cause a bunch of jumping forward and backwards. What may be better advice is to simply android dialogue tags unless you�re narrating something. It might be better to switch to just tagging everyone in the text, and showing only the picture of who is talking in the conversation. Regardless. Pick one of those and stick too it. Consistency is key. As for the writing, I’d advise trying to show things through dialogue, and not just have the main character tell the player their life story. Most readers will not find this engaging. For example, you can have the MC talk to the receptionist about how they won the contest, instead of having them just announce it to the MC. That way you get to build character of the MC through how they speak and talk and you don’t need to have a whole scene talking at the reader to explain things. Along that line I’d recommend looking into filtering out extraneous details. I find these questions really useful: For each bit of info or dialogue ask these two questions - 1: Does the reader need to know this? and 2: Does the reader need to know this right this second now? If the answer to both is no, then you can safely cut the detail. For example, do we need to know how much the MC loves to enter sweepstakes? Or how this one is unusual for how long it is? Do we need to know it enough that you have to spell it out? Or maybe it would be better suited to an offhand comment by someone somewhere.
Kilif Score
| Category | Total |
| —: | :–|
| Basics: | 10000 |
| Art: | 65 |
| Writing: | 130 |
| Concept/Design | 15 |
| Msc: | 0 |
| Total: | 10250 |
Comments:
I’m going to be blunt, this is a visual novel with what appears to be only one pivotal choice that completely ignored the theme. How does the fetish factor into the gameplay here? You could have had several choices in a given day that could affect your weight and open up different dialog choices with romantic interests, for instance. That would have incorporated the fetish as a game mechanic, but if you removed all of the fetish material as the game currently stands, the gameplay itself doesn’t change.
Also, I would suggest trimming down the superflous details in dialogue/descriptions. For instance, the whole conversation where you’re getting your room key came off as tedious and stilted as you spent 4-5 message boxes describing the process when it, as a minor detail, should be covered quickly.
S&S Score
| Category | Total |
| —: | :–|
| Basics: | 10000 |
| Art: | 110 |
| Writing: | 250 |
| Concept/Design | 440 |
| Msc: | 100 |
| Total: | 10950 |
Comments:
Squirrel Score
| Category | Total |
| —: | :–|
| Basics: | 10000 |
| Art: | 40 |
| Writing: | 40 |
| Concept/Design | 50 |
| Msc: | 20 |
| Total: | 10210 |
Comments:
A very unique submission in both content and setting. Fine dining isn�t a setting well trodden so it�s refreshing to see an entry dare to go to different places. It was also interesting to see an attempt at the theme in a visual novel, so kudos!
