Hey, y’all! Welcome back to another episode of “Varni’s Ventures”! Last time, I tried getting up close and personal with one of them Lard Monsters, just to see how Lard affects us Novakids.
(Images from last episode appear around Varni, including images where Varni had been successfully “fattened up” by one of the creatures.)
Ah got pretty darn big, but it didn’t last too long. This time, ah wanna get even bigger! So big in fact, ah probably won’t be movin’ anytime soon- and how am I gonna do that?
(Clips of Florans of varying sizes are shown, replacing the images onscreen. The Floran hunters can be seen with specialized weapons used for fattening up their prey.)
That’s right- we’re going deep into Floran territory, get captured, and see how Florans fatten up their prey right before th’ slaughter!
Before ah do this, ah just wanna say one thing: DO NOT try this at home. Interrupting a Floran’s hunt can be real dangerous. Ahm a trained professional; leave this one to th’ pros, alright?
(A montage of Varni entering a leafy cavern flashes onscreen, as she narrates about the Florans- namely ones who have been affected by the addictive nature of Lard.)
Now, Florans can’t get enough of that fatty stuff from them Lard Monsters; Florans across the universe harvest oils from the critters and load them into specially made guns. Florans have always valued a big, juicy hunk of meat- and with these guns, nabbing a feast is easier than ever!
The Floran hunters continue to pump their prey chock full o’ lard until it can’t move no more. A tribe of Florans’ll have t’ haul th’ critter all the way back home. The fattened beast is just as fattening as the weapons themselves; one bite, and the Florans swell up real big, right until they’re bloated, leafy blobs.
These weapons find use outside of Floran tribes, and have been outlawed in thousands of star systems- and ahm gonna be shot by one.
(The montage ends when Varni approaches a wooden gate, flamethrower at the ready.)
Alright- we’re here. Before performin’ this dangerous stunt, yer gal’s gonna have plenty of firepower at th’ ready. Bein’ walkin’ salad factories an’ all, Florans hate fire. If it gets too crazy in here, ah might have t’ use my lovely lil’ flamethrower here.
Oph! Ah think ah hear somethin’! Ya’ll ready for this?
(The Floran opens the gate, aiming a pink gun at Varni.)
“Brightsnack! Floran fatten!”
(The Floran begins to fire what appears to be globs of chocolate
directly into Varni’s mouth. Varni doesn’t resist, simply letting the hunter shoot.)
Mmh! That’s some- (gulp) good stuff! But ah don’t feel any bigger. Hey, you! You ain’t doin’ it right!
(The Floran continues his assault, even as Varni steps closer.
She forcefully grabs the gun, and places its barrel below her brand. The Floran pauses, seemingly confused- but quickly resumes. Even as Varni is fed directly, there’s no significant change. Seeing this, the Floran lets out a savage yell, jumping right on top of her.)
Darn! Ack! OW! Hey, cut the! Cut the cam-
(The footage immediately jumps to another scene: Varni’s clothes are ripped and covered in chocolate, and the unconscious Floran is seen behind her- mostly blurred out for censorship. Varni pants in exhaustion as she speaks to the audience.)
Okay…ah had to…take that guy out. He was…real tough…don’t worry though! He ain’t a goner- just fainted a bit…
Unfortunately, ah haven’t…plumped up…a single bit. We should try going…deeper in…
(The footage shifts to another encounter with a Floran; this Floran in particular is carrying a larger weapon. Varni narrates over the footage as he begins to fire large quantities of lard, filling up the room almost instantly.)
That’s a Lardnade Launcher, another weapon banned across many other galaxies. These babies pump entire pools of lard, highly effective at getting targets fat reaaaal fast. But sometimes the user gets caught in the blast, becomin’ addicted to their own Lard. They’ll keep firin’ just t’ drink more an’ more of the stuff.
Ah had t’ steer clear of th’ Floran himself while he was distracted, cuz Lard can throw Florans into a real scary zone. Its not like he could grab me with his blobby lil’ arms, but Lard can be unpredictable like that!
With such a high volume of Lard, ah was gettin’ nice n’ round faster than ah thought ah would. The Lard inside me would burn real fast though, so ah had t’ keep divin’ and gulpin’ for anything t’ happen. There was so much lard at this point, ah could just swim to the other room and let the Floran just sit there, all bloated. This lasted for a while until…
(The montage ends, now showing a massive, immobile Varni sitting amongst a smaller pool of Lard as she continues to monologue.)
Folks…we done did the impossible. You thought I was a big star before…well lookit’ me now! Ahm my own sun! I was feelin’ reaaaal heavy…couldn’t even move my arms at this point. Let alone talk…you’ll see why.
(The voice over ends, allowing the audience to listen to Varni in the moment. She pants heavily, almost wheezing as she does so. Her words are constantly interrupted by hot, heavy belches. Varni herself seems to glow even brighter during her fit of belches and burps.)
(GuRuRuRrPH! UrRrRrrRAAAP!) Guys…(BWARRUrRRrPH!) an gals…ahm feelin’ sumthin’ new here…(URRrRrPRH!) Ahm heatin’ up a whole lot…gettin’…(GURrRPh!) a real fever…
Glowin’ real hot, too…ain’t…(hic!)…ain’t never feel quite like this before…feels…(AAOuRRp!) kinda…nice…~
(The audio shifts to another voice-over. Varni laughs a little over this.)
Lookin’ back at this, this was probably a real dangerous situation t’ be in. There was so much gas wellin’ up in my body, an’ fer once, it was stayin’ stuck there fer a while. Ah felt like ah was done ready t’ burst!
The gas was makin’ me burn real bright; I could smell smoke comin’ from th’ wooden floor beneath me. Had t’ burp all that gas out t’ keep from explodin’…that’s what it felt like, at least.
My camera drones are always equipped with fire retardant, but ah didn’t know if it would be enough. If ah got any hotter, or if I burped the wrong way, ah might’ve caused a real big fire.
All things considered though…it felt incredible!
Ah eventually burped myself back in shape though…fascinatin’ as it was, ah didn’t want to be stuck in that cavern forever!
Funny- when ah saw all of the lard that leaked out to the bottom of the cave, I almost forgot about what happened. Before ah rose to the surface, ah made sure to grab a few jars as a neat lil’ keepsake.
(The footage eventually leads to Varni returning to the surface, fully clothed and standing next to a flag donning the Novakid emblem.)
And THAT’S what happens when a Floran tries to fatten you up! Ah hope you take this fine piece o’ information and try t’ avoid doin’ this at all costs! You may never be able to escape like how ah did!
Keep in mind though- Florans ain’t the only ones guilty o’ this. Anyone could have their hands on a big ol’ Lardnade Launcher, so you better keep an eye open!
But that’s all fer now. And remember- “If yer gonna blaze a trail, burn it right up!”
(After another brief segment, the credits begin to roll.)